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In some cases, as expected, it was because I wanted more sex than they could give me.

I’m careful to keep my breath from becoming a pant, even as my pulse quickens, but this takes much concentration. I have masturbated in this way next to the sleeping bodies of all my serious, committed partners who came before my husband.

This orgasm is a controlled, measured, calculated experience.

One afternoon, after he’d fallen into a deep post-sex slumber, I serviced myself with my second, third, and fourth orgasm beside him.

He knows about the bad habit I used to have of hooking up with not-so-nice men because they were available and I was bored — and that I rarely used protection with any of them.

And that I believed, for a really long time, that my addiction made me a broken person, a disgusting person, a person unworthy of love.I told him these things from the start because I met him at a time in my life where I was ready and open for change.That was the first time I’d experienced such a level of both secrecy and shame.I made a promise to my husband and to myself, long before we were even wed, to be austerely honest.He knows I’ve been a compulsive masturbator since I was twelve years old.He knows about my extensive fluency in the hardcore categories of various porn sites.